Chai! Cruise Don Prove Me As A Bastard

If you are a Nigerian I don't need to tell you the meaning of cruise. But if you are not a Nigerian, you need my brief explanation on the meaning of cruise in Nigerian English.

Cruise is when someone from nowhere starts a fugitive but offensive slang or an obnoxious expression and almost all lazy Nigerian youths circulate it like the valueless 5 naira. The only verb that collocates with cruise in our slang dictionary is catch. So you catch cruise.

There was a time cruise like: sọ̀rọ̀ sókè wèrè was spreading like a contagious disease. In fact, Ebola did not have the large number of victims as this disrespectful slang. The meaning is speak aloud, madman. This cruise or you call it slang was part of me. I would tell my friends who speak like someone who never chop breakfast for two days to collect mic and sọ̀rọ̀ sókè wèrè.

The cruise was trending. The slang was sweet in my friends' tongue. They'd say it to me too even when I talk as if I swallow Ahuja speaker. The day we retorted sọ̀rọ̀ sókè wèrè at the back of the class, when a lecturer was teaching, was the end of the bad slang in our filthy mouths. The harsh punishment we inevitably received was like a knife that cut off our tongues.

If cruise is a Covid-19 in this poverty-stricken country, the NCDC would find it difficult to curb the spread and everyone would believe their seemingly fake briefing and the doubtful corona-record. Tell a Nigerian to not join the trending cruise and the factual response you'd receive is that this country is already hard to live in and the only way to subdue the hardship is to catch cruise. So it is now a Panadol for the youths' headache.

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Straight back to the matter: the day I vowed to stop catching cruise was the day a police vehicle was drove precipitately to my father's fenceless house. The vehicle was antiquated that you can't boldly tell its colour; is it black or blue? You can only blindly agree that the outdated colour was initially black because, apart from the unending bribery, Nigerian police are known with their black uniform. Five policemen jumped out from the opened-space of the back of the vehicle. They held tattered AK-whatever guns and pistols. Not too long that our compound was full of neighbours. They were curiously looking at one another. “Who would believe that a notorious criminal lives in Sheu Shege's house?”, a rhetoric question they asked themselves.

My father rushed out. The first policeman to talk asked for me. The man's stomach was a pregnancy of Ogogoro, Gulder, Star, 33, Goldberg, and other cocktails that relatively make the stomachs of men of his age look like a six-month pregnancy. My father called me out. The old policeman called other three policemen to arrest me. And before they left, they told my father that my offence was that I used the DPO to catch cruise on a radio station.

“Arrrg! Which offence is cruise?”, this was the only statement my father and relatives and the neighbours who came to behold the eyes of the potential suspect could utter as they were agape. It was as if their eyes were no longer functioning so they used their wide mouth instead. I was handcuffed then got bundled into the back of the vehicle.

In the flashback, I remembered everything I said about the DPO. It was a sunny day. The wall of my room too reacted to the scorching sun. Everywhere was hot except the underneath the mango tree in front of the house. I was enjoying the gentle breeze with a radio tuned to Wazobia FM where listeners called to catch cruise with the presenters. They were two presenters: a guy with a very thick voice like that of Itu Baba Ita, and a lady whose voice was like that of the anonymous lady who'd remind you that your account is too low, please recharge in time. The cruelty I faced behind the Kanta had made me forget their names. But I can never forget the frequency; 95.1 Wazobia FM.

We dey dia now dey settle the matter and the matter never finish… this was the trending cruise. Listeners would call in to cook lies so funny that you'd laugh till you'd forget your names. Someone called and said, “ma name na Chuks, tenant lock baba landlord for outside last night, na dia we dey now dey settle the matter”. Another person called; “housemaid don geh belle for Ọ̀ga and she talk say nah inside the house em go born the pikin. We dey dia now dey beg madam to not pack out”.

I was tempted as the cruise dey sooth my ears. I put a call through to join the trend. “Hello! My name nah Ope from Alagutan. Vigilante arrest a whole DPO last night them talk say DPO dey thief goat. We dey Oba palace now dey settle the matter and e go take us 100 years to settle am”.

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I broke the promise that I made to not catch any nonsensical cruise again as if the police station saga was never a lesson. Or until the trending madness kills me, I will never desist.

Who invented this yet another crazy cruise that wan put my mama in soup? Or maybe I was a bad son. I was surfing internet yesterday in the evening. Facebook was boring as always. Twitter was still serving the Federal Government's punishment. The beak of the blue bird was padlocked and only the VPN can secretively open it. And according to Baba Lai, if you think that you are hurting him by using VPN, you're just hurting yourself because your data is no more end-to-end encrypted. So I sticked to WhatsApp.

Another cruise was going on: abi kí n… This was the cruise. You just have to end it with something like fi girlfriend mi ṣe ogún owó ni? Meaning that you're contemplating on how to use your girlfriend for money rituals. Everyone was posting series of the cruise. It was funny. It was so funny until it was no longer funny when I posted my own version of it on my status.

I forgot to hid my father from viewing my status when I posted abi ki n tá ilé wa kín fi owó ẹ gbé olosho ni? Meaning that I was contemplating on how to sell my father's house and use the money to fuck a prostitute.

The first viewer was my father. He summoned my mother immediately and concluded that I must be a bastard unless the DNA test proves otherwise on Monday. Who go settle this matter now?

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Dear P-Sevenians, enjoy the weekend peacefully. This country is hard as they say. We eat series of breakfast every now and then. So catch cruise but with sense.

Yours forever,

P-Seven.

almoshkur20@gmail.com

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